Star Fox: Abomination
by Ca'diem
Summary: A hilarious spoof of Star Fox: Armageddon, which was an epic tale of unneccesary pop culture references, confusion, and sheer utter randomness! By: Ca'diem and OrangeKat. All credit for plot details go to the author of Star Fox: Armageddon.
1. Chapter 1: Some Random Words

**Star Fox: Abomination**

**Achtung!** I do not own any Star Fox characters or the story line that follows. All credit for stated retardedness goes straight to my "good" buddy, the author of Star Fox: Armageddon. Except of course the characters which are owned by Namco and Nintendo. This story was Co-Authored by OrangeKat, a.k.a. Orange_Fat_ as insulted by the author of Star Fox: Armageddon himself. (We decided not to state the author's name, under the fear of hurting someone's feelings).

And now for the story...

---

**Chapter 1: Some Random Words**

It has been six years since Star Fox did _anything_ at all (useless vermin). The Lylat Federation had a tough time recovering from various highly classified threats such as the (unreported) writing of a horrifyingly awful Star Fox fanfic which shook the system to its core. For a while there was nothing to do but sit down, cry your eyes out, pick yourself up off the ground, brush off the tiny vampiric forest creatures, and order pizza. Since then the Lylatian Federation has made some startlingly tremendous steps forward in the recovery process.

Great Fox II, Macbeth Orbit, Starboard section, forward wing, deck 6, section 8C, Hallway.

Fox strolled down the hall with no destination in mind. Things had been pretty quiet for the last six years, except for the incident two months ago with the clogged toilet, which flooded six floors. Fox, of course, led an extensive investigation, but it was only a ploy to draw the blame away from himself.

Fox looked around for something to take the edge off the boredom and found himself standing in front of Krystal's door.

_She's usually good for some excitement, _he thought to himself with a ridiculous grin on his face.

Without warning an violent explosion rocked the ship, knocking Fox off his feet and onto the floor. He tried to pick himself up off the floor, shaking his head to clear his vision, when the door before him opened and his darling wife Krystal stepped into the hallway.

"Fox! What are you doing on the floor?" Krystal demanded of the prone form before her.

"Apparently an explosion has rocked the ship, casting me to the ground!" Fox shouted. He raised his hand and waved it under Krystal's blue vulpine nose. "Help me up, you voluptuous vixen!"

Krystal paused for a moment. A wonderful realization came to her mind; could it possibly be...?

"Fox, I just realized something."

"What could possibly be more important than an explosion rocking the ship, casting me to the ground!" Fox demanded irritably.

"Every time someone new starts speaking, a new paragraph is started!"

"Golly gee whiz! _Finally! _Now help me up." Krystal grabbed Fox's outstretched hand levering the ginger fox to his feet. "Krystal, we need to get to the bridge so we can find out what caused the explosion, rocking the ship, and violently casting me to the ground!"

"You're right! I completely forgot about it! Let's go!" Without further ado, the pair ran to the bridge.

Once they had arrived they noticed that nobody else was there, not even ROB!

"Where the heck is everybody?" demanded Fox, immediately placing hands on hips, very much resembling a sulky five-year-old.

"They're probably still asleep, give them a few more hours." Krystal replied.

"How could anyone sleep through an explosion that rocked the ship, violently casting me to the ground!" (Authors' note: for the sake of hilarity this will be the last time we use that joke, mainly because it's in danger of being overused.)

Fox ran to the intercom and shouted a message into the microphone.

"WAKE UP YOU LAZY BUMS!" Fox screamed into the microphone. A few moments later he gently cleared his throat and said in a soft pleasant voice: "And please report immediately to the bridge, thank you, and have a nice day."

When the rest of the crew arrived they gaped in horror at the space battle unfolding in front of them, which they had strangely, never noticed before.

"Rob, what's happening?" Fox asked.

"Isn't it obvious you twit, there are Lylatian Federation pilots using WASD-Ctr-Alt-Del class Arwings fighting Invader DCLXXXVII's." Rob answered in his standard monotone.

"Huh? Oh never mind." Fox grumbled, rolling his eyes. Then Slippy Toad, the green toad, spoke into the silence.

"Rob, I know this has nothing to do with the battle at hand, but I want the Invader DCLXXXVII's stats, stat."

"Yes Slippy, because _everybody _knows that we have the exact stats on _highly classified _enemy ships." Rob stated almost managing to put sarcasm in his monotone.

"You are one nasty robot." Slippy growled, shaking his fist in Rob's general direction.

"Those Invader DCLXXXVII's look like pansies. _Wilted _pansies." Falco sneered, arrogantly tossing his feathers away from his face. "I could take them all on by myself with both hands tied behind my back, blindfolded, no guns, _completely _naked, covered in butter and fire ants."

"Now now Falco." Peppy said encouragingly, wagging his finger back and forth, to-and-fro, disapprovingly. "Don't get cocky."

"Heh heh, you said cocky." Falco giggled before turning around and jogging off to the gym for no apparent reason.

Fox was a little disgruntled by Falco's sudden departure but turned to his teammates and addressed them in a grave tone.

"Alright everybody, listen up. We are about to engage a mysterious enemy with no remorse or pity. We have no idea what the Venomians' intentions are, but it is quite clear that they are up to no good, and they need to be stopped as soon as... ooh look, a peanut!" He exclaimed happily swiping up a nut resting at his feet. "I like peanuts. I wonder what Falco's up to!" Fox said to himself, turning around and skipping, happily off to the gym.

Peppy watched Fox go, a confused expression etched into his aging features.

"We really need to get him some more medication for his ADD..."

---

Fox entered the gym and stopped as a sudden thought dawned on him...

_Why am I at the gym? Wasn't there a tremendous explosion that --_CENSORED-- _off my feet?_ He shrugged and watched Falco lift weights.

"Falco, you're such a fat pig, why do you even bother trying?" He teased with a snide grin. Falco slowly looked up at him, a fire of irritation burning in his eyes.

"If you're so smart what do you think I should do, huh?"

"Well, for one thing, you could try giving up pizza, chocolate, potato chips, fudge, ice cream, bok choy, cookies, tofu, cake, green salad, alcohol, tobacco, crack cocaine, crystal meth, mary jane, sniffing glue, wet paint, uppers, downers, and tranks." Fox replied immediately.

Falco looked at Fox for a moment then continued lifting weights in silence. Fox decided to run on a treadmill to build up his strength for the coming battle. Even though the battle was already there. And since he would be fighting in his Arwing there would be little physical exertion needed. You ask yourself, _why is he doing this_? It's the principal of the thing.

End of chapter one. Yes, it really is the end, we're sorry to say.

Authors' Note: We want your input to decide on whether to continue this comedy. If you leave a review please place a vote saying yea or nay. Do you think it would be hilarious to continue this spoof, or do you think it is funnier to leave it as it is? We want your opinion! Thank you and have a nice day.


	2. Chapter 2: The Delayed Battle

**Star Fox: Abomination**

**Achtung: ** In order to fully appreciate the hilarity of this chapter please read or reread Chapter 2 of Star Fox: Armageddon. We know it's painful but it makes ours better, we promise.

**Chapter 2: The Delayed Battle**

The Universe, Unknown Galaxy, Lylat System, Macbeth Orbit, Over Northern Hemisphere, Great Fox II, Starboard section, Forward Wing, Deck 7, Section 3A, Gym, Treadmill

Fox stepped off the treadmill, sweat dripping off his muzzle. His muscles screamed for rest and relaxation. He decided that the furious battle unfolding around the ship, could wait until tomorrow. Fox retired early to his room.

The following day, he and Krystal awoke and walked to the bridge. They were surprised to find the rest of the Star Fox team already there.

"Is there still a massive battle out there?" Fox inquired groggily, rubbing his bloodshot eyes. All out of nowhere a sudden explosion rocked the ship, casting Fox to the ground.

"Yes," Falco replied wryly. "The battle is still there."

"Wait a minute, we're getting a transmission," Slippy interjected. "Rob, what's the status of the transmission?"

"Receiving incoming transmission: one percent complete. Estimated time of download: four hours." Rob stated in his robotic monotone.

"_Man_ I hate this dial-up!" Peppy exclaimed, slamming his fist into a nearby terminal. "Ooh, ouch, my paw." Peppy immediately started licking his injured paw, which had begun to redden and swell.

**Four Hours Later**

The team sat in the bridge, completely silent, each amusing themselves in their own special way: Fox was busy conjugating irregular verbs. Krystal was muttering angry words in her native Cerinian tongue. Peppy was fast asleep at the helm. Slippy was carrying out _Pi_ to the six millionth digit, happily picking his nose all the while. And Falco had stripped down and was smothering himself with a liberal covering of butter and fire ants.

"Could somebody help me tie my hands behind my back?" Falco asked of the crew. Suddenly Rob's metallic voice sounded throughout the room.

"Transmission complete."

Everybody leapt to their feet and rushed to the hologram projector, on which the message was now playing.

A white leopard wearing the uniform of an admiral in the Venomian Space Corps had appeared in the center of the room.

"Hello, nice to meet you. My name is Admiral John Asher and I'm here to kill you. As of this moment the Venomian Royal Space Corps is declaring war on Corneria. For no apparent reason_, just because I feel like it_! Ah ha ha ha ha!"

With that, the transmission ended.

A few moments of silence followed the ending of the climatic yet somehow pointless message.

Peppy's face began to grow red and he started shaking.

"What is it Peppy, what's wrong?" Krystal asked concernedly.

"It took _four_ stinking hours to load a FIVE SECOND VIDEO!"

"Peppy!" Fox screamed, appalled by Peppy's outburst. "An insane admiral has just declared war on Corneria, and _all you can think about is our slow internet connection_!" But Peppy was not listening. He was already stumbling off the bridge muttering incoherently to himself and giggling.

"Destroy… dial-up… make pure… yes… cleanse… hee hee hee…"

"Are we going to fight?" A confused Slippy asked. Fox smacked his forehead with the flat of his paw in exasperation.

"Well, let's look at our situation Slippy." Fox said sarcastically. "There is a massive battle that appeared out of nowhere and an insane admiral just declared war on us. No, I don't think we're going to fight."

"Oh, okay, that's good." Slippy said brightly.

"_Of course we're going to fight, you numbskull_!" Fox glanced over at his blue avian friend, who was furiously slapping himself where angry red welts were beginning to form, screaming about how he didn't know fire ants could bite. "After Falco takes a shower of course…"

- - -

**Achtung: **Be prepared for the shortest battle scene in all of recorded history.

(Begin battle scene).

They came, they fought, they won.

(End battle scene).

Battle stats downloading…

…

…

…

Download complete.

Kills: 

Fox: 23

Krystal: 9

Falco: 15

Slippy: 2

"Boy, Slippy, you sure do suck!" Falco exclaimed with a hearty laugh. Slippy came back at him with the most blistering retort he knew:

"You are one nasty Falcon, Falco."

"Wait a minute," Fox said, frowning slightly. "Who in their right mind would care about kills? And who keeps track of them?"

Nobody answered. Not one of them had a logical answer to this most puzzling quandary.

"Do you keep track of them, ROB?" Fox questioned the robot.

"No, Fox, I could not give a flying --CENSORED-- about kills," ROB replied. Everybody in the Great Fox II gasped upon hearing ROB's utterance of the vilest of oaths. A few moments after this shock had passed, Fox spoke up again.

"Well, we succeeded in halting the invasion. Time to bring home the bacon."

- - -

Corneria, Southern hemisphere, Corneria City, 134 Chipmunk Lane, Federation High Command.

"Whaddaya _mean_ we're not getting paid?" Fox demanded of the eagle standing before him.

"How can I make it any more simple?" the eagle replied, sighing and rolling his eyes. "You. Are. Not. Getting. Paid. Game over, the end."

"But we're _mercenaries_," Fox whined. "Do you think we do this for the greater good? No! We do this to fill our own pockets!" Fox exclaimed, beginning to feel desperate.

Glancing at the eagle, Fox could see he was an Admiral of the Cornerian Federation. Falco came up to the eagle and spoke up, the feathers on the back of his neck beginning to poof up.

"Who the flipping heck do you think you are, Mr. Burns?" he demanded angrily, his voice rising. Fox immediately turned to face Falco, an expression of confusion and pity upon his face.

"Falco… what was that?" he asked. "Were you trying to insult him, or something? That was just sad. And who the heck is Mr. Burns? What the heck does he have to do with this crappy fanfic?" Falco sighed and looked away from Fox, all at once embarrassed with his attempted insult.

"Dang these pop culture references…" he whispered to himself.

"I am Admiral Wade Kyes, Defender of the Lylat System," Kyes declared in a loud, dramatic voice, striking a pose most reminiscent of a super hero. "Except for Venom, mainly because we are at war with them."

"Well, Admiral Kyes, Defender of the Lylat System," Fox said, walking up to the eagle and placing his right hand on the eagle's shoulder. "Perhaps you're right. I mean, Corneria must be facing a crippling deficit at this point, due to the current war, and I believe you have good reason to…" In one lightning movement, Fox swiftly brought up his knee and rammed it brutally into the admiral's stomach.

"_Run!"_ Fox screamed as Kyes grunted and keeled over, falling to the floor, moaning and groaning. Without another word, the Star Fox team bolted out the exit, laughing in jubilation, leaving the writhing admiral to suffer in peace.

"None of the mercenaries… ever take… this news well…" he managed to grunt, still trying to take in the wind he had lost.

_- - -_

Venom, Eastern hemisphere, Venom City, the middle of Venom City, 2318 FoxKiller Boulevard, Imperial High Command

A nervous, apprehensive squirrel garbed in the clothing of an admiral approached Admiral Asher.

"Ah, welcome!" Asher said warmly upon making eye contact with the squirrel. Glancing around, the squirrel saw that Asher was seated at a table, and was accompanied by twelve other admirals. "Welcome to my Admiral convention! What is the status of the invasion?"

"Ah, well, we're pretty much screwed. The fleet was mashed, steamed, broiled, baked, fried, and served on a platter by the Star Fox team," the squirrel said quickly, eager to get the bad news off of his chest.

"_What?"_ Asher roared, rising quickly from his chair, fuming. He began pacing back and forth, shaking his head in disbelief. "No… this can't be… this is terrible! I need to do something completely wickedly evil to make myself feel better…" His eyes slowly transfixed themselves on the nervous squirrel. "I know… you are now demoted from admiral to admiral, because _everybody_ in this fanfic is an admiral!" He exclaimed joyously, flinging his hands into the air, cackling.

"No…" groaned the squirrel, sinking to his knees as humiliation washed upon him like an ocean wave. It was a terrible thing, to be demoted to a lowly admiral. Suddenly, he remembered the good news he was informed to tell Asher.

"But sir, Admiral O'Donnell's fleet has engaged Admiral Kyes' fleet, and O'Donnell seems to be coming out on top." He bit his lip, anxiously awaiting the admiral's response. Asher's response absolutely shocked him.

Asher let out a delighted squeal, clapping his hands together rapidly as he bounced up and down on the tips of his toes. "Oh, goody!" he giggled happily. A few moments after his embarrassing display, Asher felt thirteen pairs of eyes staring at him. He immediately stopped bouncing and regained himself, clearing his throat as he did so. He slowly turned to face the twelve admirals, and demoted admiral, looking each one directly in the eyes before he spoke.

"We shall never speak of this again… ever. Understood?" Everybody in the room slowly nodded their heads. "Very good…" Asher turned back to face the gray squirrel, who was now on the verge of bursting out in uncontrollable laughter.

"You are dismissed," Asher said , turning back to the table and sitting down with the other twelve admirals.

End of chapter 2.

Authors' Note: Well, here's Chapter 2, for your reading pleasure. Thanks to all of the people who reviewed us. You guys are awesome.


	3. Chapter 3: Rhode Island In Space

**Star Fox: Abomination**

**Achtung: **The blame for this story and all original characters falls on the author of Star Fox: Armageddon. The characterization of the characters in this story is done poorly, and completely fictional. Any similarities between actual persons, living or dead, is very, very unfortunate. We didn't mean to be insulting.

Once again, we advise you to read chapter three of Star Fox: Armageddon before reading this spoof. You don't need to, but it makes us look better.

Finally, here is chapter three of this brilliantly written epic novel. Enjoy...

---

**Chapter 3: Rhode Island in Space **

**(the chapter whose title has nothing to do with the story at all)**

_Planet Zoness, Outside Imperial Base C5, the putrid-smelling stratosphere, Fox's Arwing, Inside the cockpit_

Fox's nose wrinkled in utter disgust as he inhaled the fumes of the stratosphere that seeped through the vents of his Arwing's air conditioner. Glancing out the window, Fox was genuinely surprised at the fact that Zoness had been returned to a relatively pristine state. The ocean was clean and free of industrial waste, and the sky was a deep blue, instead of the normal dark yellow. However, one thing didn't sit right with Fox, and he activated the comm system and spoke.

"Hey Falco, the stratosphere reeks like your armpits, you disgusting hog!" he taunted the blue falcon, who responded in a angry tone.

"Why am _I _always ridiculed in this stupid fanfic?" he demanded of Fox.

"Because the authors hate you," Fox immediately replied. He heard no more complaints from Falco.

Fox's attention refocused to their current task. General Pepper had informed then there was a Venomian Imperial High Command C5 base. Their mission, simple. Their objective... to trash it. The base now in sight, Fox issued the command to land. He and Major Bill Gray were the first to pull their respective Arwings into graceful landings.

"Alright everybody, it's time to trash it!" Bill commanded, climbing down from his Arwing, Fox following his lead.

"All right!" Fox exclaimed happily. "I _love _trashing! It's my favorite pastime! That, and smashing my funny bone!"

Bill stared at Fox for a few brief seconds, unable to believe what he just heard.

"You do that for _fun_? You're sick, dude," he muttered shaking his head.

It was at that moment they heard the droning hum of the engine of another Arwing above them. The Arwing slowly landed, and a Lieutenant by the name of Kevin climbed out.

"All right, Kevin, listen up," Bill instructed, starting to pace back and forth restlessly. "I want you to go ahead and scout out the base. Once inside, radio us and me and the Canine Ranger Battalion will come in and trash the place, okay?"

"No, _not _okay!" Kevin argued, suddenly becoming defensive for some odd reason. "You're gonna send me in with absolutely no backup at all, when it's probable that MANY snipers will be guarding the entrance? No, I won't do it!"

"Oh yes you will!" Fox argued back, irritated at Kevin's obvious displeasure.

"You're not the boss of me," Kevin retorted, wearing and indolent sneer. Upon hearing this, Bill raised his blaster and aimed it between Kevin's eyes.

"Aw, come on," Kevin whined, unable to take his eyes of the blaster. "I'll get killed out there!"

"So what?" Bill replied, refusing to lower the blaster. "If you don't do it, the _rest _of us will get killed. It's better for one to die rather than everybody... so we decided on _you_. Now, either die getting to the base, or I'll just shoot you here. Either way, I won't lose any sleep over it."

Kevin sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Fine," he grumbled, turning to the base and sprinting as quickly as he possibly could.

Kevin was absolutely right; on the cliffs and rock formations surrounding the base, dozens of snipers were poised, waiting to shoot down anybody that tried to infiltrate their headquarters. Upon seeing Kevin sprinting towards the base, they immediately opened fire. Kevin screamed like a little girl as a score of sniper lasers streaked past his face.

"Shoot!" he exclaimed, ducking a laser that nearly grazed the top of his head.

"Frick!" he exclaimed as he jumped over another laser that would have otherwise hit his groin. Upon landing back on the ground, a laser streaked past his head, singeing his left sideburn.

"Owie!" he screeched as he surged forward, faster than ever, dozens of lasers missing him by mere inches. He managed to arrive at the base's door, and in his desperation to shield himself from the sniper's hail of laser fire, he shot the door with his blaster repeatedly, the plasma melting a hole he could run through.

"Holy crap, he _actually _made it through!" Bill exclaimed, who had watched Kevin's race for his life with a pair of binoculars. Behind he and Fox, they heard Krystal's and Falco's Arwings descend to the planet's surface.

- - -

"So, did you scrap up some loot from raids?" one stupid guard asked another stupid guard.

"Heh, yeah, I got about a hundred n' twenty five credits," laughed the other one. "It's been so much fun since the Union got our employers to let us go on raids!"

These were his last words before he was fatally killed... to _death_. Blood erupted like a geyser from the fist-sized hole created in his chest, where his heart should have been. He glanced in horrified amazement at the gaping hole for a moment.

"Ouch..." he said quietly before crumpling to the floor. Kevin stepped out of the shadows, aiming his blaster at the other confused guard. Without hesitating, he squeezed the trigger again, discharging a bolt of plasma in the second guard's general direction.

The second guard's head exploded, bits of skull bouncing off the walls. A tooth hit the ground. An eyeball rolled across the floor and came to a stop at Kevin's feet. He stared at the two broken bodies before him.

"Now _that's_ what I call overkill," Kevin said, stepping over the bodies, and slipping on the blood that was beginning to spill onto the floor.

"Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!" he exclaimed, quickly hopping over the puddle. "Ew."

Once he was a good distance away from the ever growing puddle, Kevin took out his walkie-talkie and adjusted it to Bill's frequency.

"This is Chocolate Pudding to Purple Eagle. Come in, Purple Eagle."

There was a moment of static before Bill's voice sounded on the communication instrument.

"You idiot. I'm not Purple Eagle, I'm Cyan Falcon, remember?" he corrected irritably. "What do you want, Chocolate Pudding?"

"I'm in," Kevin responded, a little confused by the question. What _else_ would he have wanted at that moment?

"Roger that, Pudding," Bill replied. "I've already radioed the Canine Rangers. They're on their way. Cyan, over and out."

"'Bye," Kevin concluded, deactivating the walkie-talkie and returning it to his utility belt.

Without warning, the door ahead opened and a platoon of a hundred Venomian guards entered the room. Kevin screamed like a little girl again and raised his blaster, opening fire on the platoon. His first two plasma bursts hit two separate guards, who fell to the floor, dead. The rest of the platoon opened fire on Kevin as he dramatically dove behind a nearby sofa. The sofa acted as a sponge, absorbing the plasma from the platoon's guns with no visible damage inflicted upon itself.

As the platoon continued to blast away at the sofa, Kevin started to cry, and began praying for forgiveness, knowing his time was at hand.

"...and please forgive me for the time I took the last cookie from the jar that was for my dying grandmother," he concluded, sobbing quietly.

Suddenly, behind him, his heart lifted and he gasped as he heard Bill's voice.

"Dang, that is _one nice sofa_!" Bill exclaimed, as the Canine Ranger Battalion flooded in behind him and trashed the place.

- - -

From a distance, Fox, Falco, and Krystal watched the trashing of the base very intently. Fox was absolutely amazed by the destruction of the place-trashing. His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open.

"Wow, that's some awesome trashing!" he exclaimed happily.

"Uh... of course..." Krystal replied, glancing at him with a worried expression.

All at once, a massive explosion within the base rocked the soil, casting Fox to the ground, and sending large chunks of debris soaring through the air like graceful eagles.

"_Dang_ it!" Fox whined. "Not _again_."

"Look, there they are!" Krystal exclaimed, pointing to a congregation of the surviving members of the Canine Ranger Battalion that was fleeing the now burning base. Fortunately, Bill and Kevin were among them. As soon as they reached Fox and Krystal, Bill immediately began scrambling up the steps to his Arwing.

Turning back towards the base, Fox saw why Bill was in such a hurry to retreat. About twenty Venomian guards that survived the guerilla attack had gathered outside the entrance of the base and began to open fire on the Cornerians. A member of the Canine Ranger Battalion screamed as a Venomian's laser hit its mark, and the Cornerian pitched forward, without another sound. Before the soldier had time to hit the ground, the surviving members of the Canine Rangers raised their blasters and began to return fire to their attackers, the officers shouting commands over the roar of firing blasters.

Halfway up the Arwing's ladder, Bill ducked his head as a laser struck the ship, directly above his shoulder.

"Come on!" Bill screamed, over the noise of another explosion rumbling within the base. "There's more of them coming! We need to get out of here _now_! Now _move!"_ he roared, scrambling up the ladder and climbing into the cockpit.

Fox, Kevin and Krystal wasted no time in boarding their Arwings as Fox watched the Canine Rangers make their way to their battleship, continuing their attack upon the Venomian survivors, soldiers from both sides occasionally staggering and collapsing, hit by bursts of plasma.

As Fox, along with everybody else, made their way into the stinky stratosphere, he heard Bill's voice sound over the comm system.

"I've just been informed by General Pepper that the Venomians have landed a strike force in Corneria." Bill said quickly. "The 12th Infantry Division has already engaged them, but they're gonna need our help."

"Got it," replied Fox, his hands gripping the controls of his Arwing tightly upon hearing his homeworld was under attack.

"Yeah, understood, Purple Falcon," Kevin said. Over the comm system, Fox thought he could almost hear Bill sigh.

- - -

Authors' Note: When we wrote this latest chapter, we discovered the word that is arguably the funniest word in the English language. Sofa. Think about it. Say it as quickly as you can five times. Now say it slowly and drawn out, like "soooooooo-fuh". Now make it into a song. If you ever say sofa in casual conversation again, you won't be able to help but giggle some.


	4. Chapter 4: Title Too Long to Write Here

**Star Fox: Abomination**

**Achtung:** To everybody who gave us positive reviews, we give our utmost thanks. To all who flamed us… we really don't care. Get a life.

---

**Chapter 4: The Final Confrontation, Finally Resulting in a Finality of Conclusions**

"In every generation, there will be a time for hate… A time for war… A time for blood to be shed… A time for muscles to be flexed…"

-OrangeKat

_The Lylat System, Planet Corneria, Northern Hemisphere, Western region, Corneria City, near the park_

The air was suffocating with blood and bones. Near Corneria City's park, a fierce battle was raging. A Venomian tank crushed several small children as they played hopscotch. Several more tanks barreled over a nearby playground, the sound of assorted child appendages snapping under their weight. Terrified children ran screaming for the hills.

The Cornerian 12th infantry division was putting up a heroic fight, but their numbers were depleting like residents in an elderly home. Dead bodies littered the battle-torn ground. Lasers danced across the battlefield, the screams of the dead and wounded could be heard everywhere within a five mile radius of the battlefield.

Out of nowhere, the Star Fox Team plummeted from the sky, along with Bill and Kevin, all of them thirsty for blood… and Venomian blood is the sweetest of all.

"Oh, crap!" cried a Venomian admiral. "We are totally royally screwed! All 2,600 of us are doomed, just because six Cornerian reinforcements showed up and…"

He never finished his sentence. Fox aimed his gun and fired, hitting the admiral in the face. A nose hit the ground.

"My nose!" exclaimed the admiral, staring at his digit on the ground. "Now I will never be pretty again! I must flee!"

Saying this, the admiral staggered back into the giant cluster of Venomian soldiers.

The arrival of the Star Fox Team boosted the 12th Infantry Division's pathetic morale greatly. They cheered as the rest of the Star Fox Team dismounted from their Arwings and drew their blasters.

"Onward, my brethren!" Fox screamed encouragingly, pointing his blaster at the vast sea of Venomian soldiers and assorted tanks. "Fear not our death, for it is not possible for any of the Star Fox members to die in battle. That would not be canon…"

Just as he was screaming encouragingly, a red Venomian blaster bolt hit Falco directly in the breast (No, not THAT kind of breast, you sicko). The blue avian fell to the ground, coughed, gasped, and dramatically died, letting out an earsplitting girlish shriek.

"Oh, dear," Fox said quietly. "In that case, just shoot everything and try not to die!"

With that, every member of the 12th infantry division opened fire on the Venomians, their morale revitalized. Bodies dropped on both sides, and vicious taunts were exchanged between the two battling sides.

"LOL U JUST GOT P4WNED, YOU FREAKIN NOOB!" a Cornerian soldier exclaimed after blowing the head off a Venomian admiral. In the excitement, his gun discharged accidentally, and the laser blast hit a Cornerian tank, making it explode and kill more Cornerians.

"OMG STOP TEAM KILLING U RETARD!" exclaimed a Cornerian sergeant.

"BAN HIM HE SUX," said a nearby private.

Suddenly, the entire world froze. All the soldiers were suspended in various positions, unable to move.

"WTF GAY LAG!" growled a Cornerian Lieutenant.

"WHO DA LAGGER," demanded a Venomian admiral angrily.

A few hours passed, and finally the world moved once again, the lag eventually clearing itself up. The soldiers, relieved that they could move again, began to immediately scratch themselves, relieving themselves of the itches that had accumulated the past few hours. Then, they picked up their weapons and began killing each other again, their battle cries echoing off into the distance.

---

It was one of the bloodiest battles in Corneria City's history of bloody battles. Not only did Corneria lose 1,200 troopers, but they also lost many small children. Not only that, but the Star Fox Team lost Falco, the object of ridicule in this story.

At his funeral, only the Star Fox Team and Falco's mother attended the sad, sad event. That is, all except Peppy, who had a scheduling conflict with replacing the batteries in his alarm clock. Standing before the closed coffin, Fox began his eulogy.

"Well… Falco was one of those guys who you really didn't care if they lived or died. Nobody really liked him, so I can't really say he'll be missed. Bon voyage, you freak."

With that, he kicked the coffin unceremoniously into the freshly dug grave.

"Well, that took a lot out of me," Fox said, dusting his hands off. "I wonder what is at the buffet table."

As Fox walked to the buffet table, he saw a massive cake on the table. Larger than a wedding cake, Fox drooled and approached it saying "Mmm… cake."

Suddenly, the cake exploded, spraying Fox with frosting. A cloaked figure lept out of the cake and landed gracefully on his feet in front of Fox.

"Who… who are you?" Fox asked with wonder and fear.

"Your worst nightmare," the cloaked figure replied.

"Wow, that's cliché," Fox said.

"Your mother is cliché," the cloaked figure replied.

"Oh, THAT'S clever," Fox said sarcastically. "Didn't see THAT coming."

"Enough of your arrogance!" the cloaked figure snarled. With that, he cast off his cloak, revealing the muscular form of Admiral Asher, the bad guy.

"Oh yeah, the bad guy pops out of the cake. Real original," Slippy said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You fools!" Asher shouted. "You may have defeated my army, but you will NEVER defeat me! Prepare to be sliced and diced like sushi!"

With that, he drew a glistening samurai sword from his scabbard, and lunged at Fox with an infernal cry. He swung his sword several thousand times, and Fox was sliced and diced like fine sushi. Small chunks of Fox fell to the ground with wet, sickening plops.

"Away!" Asher screamed, and vanished.

---

Fox was never alive again after that. So, if you see any stories with him alive, you will know they are canon pieces of crap.

Thus ends this epic tale. You can't say that there is a lack of anti-canon work here NOW, can you?

_THE END_

_(FIN)_


End file.
